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| The Prototype for Self-relations Work When Steve laid out the "core premises of self relations" in The Courage to Love and the articles mentioned above he was adamant that the prototype of self-relations was not the be thought of as a fixed model of how to do therapy. Far from an "invariant prescription" or "miracle question" to be used in an formulaic or rigid way, the self-relations prototype is a highly adaptable set of principles designed to complement the wide variability in the ways clients present themselves in therapy and the wide variability in styles of work that distinguish different therapists. As one seeks to learn and apply this model, it is important to remember that the aesthetics underlying the dance and the intentionality that supports the relationship between therapist and client must always be paramount in whatever happens in therapy. As Steve himself said (1996a:227):
The steps in implementing the model are pretty straightforward and
easy to describe. Step 1: Identifying the problem It is an obvious place to start, as in any therapeutic approach. However, even here there is a particular kind of art or aesthetic that is employed in doing so. How one frames the problem—how one begins the process of questioning—of course, is directly implicated in the quality and depth of the answers one is ultimately able to receive. The tendency to move prematurely into describing the problem in diagnostic terms, the most common mistake therapists make in problem formulation, is to be avoided at all cost.3 Rather, in self-relations one slows the process down and attempts to get a moment-by-moment, frame-by-frame description of the problem. The underlying purpose of the questioning is to identify the underlying sequence of disconnection from vital self-relational processes, in short, the times and places when clients abandon themselves.4 As Steve describes it (2002: 272):
When fully comprehended and practiced with skill, the art of problem formulation in self-relations becomes a way to compassionately and gently guide clients away from many of the unaware ways they hold and describe their identity in terms that freeze internal process and turn human beings into "things." In so doing self-relations embodies one of the essential practices of Ericksonian hypnotherapy, described above, namely, where before there were frozen ideas, cut off from the body's own underlying language and experience, now there shall be fluid dynamic processes that allow us to begin to sense how life moves through us as we move through life. Questions are asked in such a way that experience is revivified in the very description of the problem sequence. Emotional, imaginal and psychological processes are evoked and named in such a way that transformational possibilities are seeded in the very description of the problem.
This step flows out of the very process of problem formulation. The "neglected self" is a core concept in self-relations --a short-hand way of describing the myriad ways people learn over a lifetime to abandon, neglect or do violence to themselves. The "neglected self" describes those processes where clients learn unconsciously to experience, "embody" and "take over" the ways they were harmed, neglected, abandoned by others in the course of their lives. These forms of violence are marked by the very spot in the problem description where one notices that it is necessary for the client to leave their experience or dissociate. This is the spot where one most readily can see "breaks in relatedness" that clients experience—the places where symptoms most likely will show up and you can get a clearer somatic "reading" of what they are all about. The process of locating the "neglected self' typically follows a sequence where one first gets a sense of the somatic center or location of the neglected self by actually physically locating it in one's body.5 Then one seeks to identify a specific chronological age that best is associated with the "felt sense" and somatic location of the neglected self. The therapists literally asks his or her client, "If you were to let a number come to mind that represents an age for that experience in your [identified somatic location], what number do you become aware of?"6 Finally, once the age and location of the neglected self is clearly identified, there is a subtle shift in the language used to address this specific, historically real-ized, embodiment of the neglected self. One begins to talk about "It" as if it were a "He" or "She:" As Steve points out (2002:275):
It is important to remember that such a way of relating to the symptom is clearly right there and anticipated in Erickson's way of addressing the unconscious. The myriad manifestations of the symptom in the autonomous language of the body require that we develop specific ways of joining symptomatic trances with the resource of trance-like experiences. This is done through language and presence. When the therapist addresses this "other" being in a deeply experiential, absorbing manner, the client cannot help but have a hypnotic-like response of feeling another part of his or her self is activated and listening. As Gilligan (2002: 270) points out, "a symptomatic self occurs when one or more influential others invade the boundaries of the self, leading to a break in relatedness between the cognitive and archetypal selves, as well as a break in belonging of the self to its larger field. These breaks are what allow alienating ideas ('curses') to be internalized. If processing of the traumatic event is inhibited, the alienating ideas are mistaken for one's own voice, and the traumatic relationship is mistaken for one's identity." The ability to return consciousness to a felt sense of the relational field, to its environment and to an intelligence and power great than the isolated ego is first step in restoring the fluid and open processes that characterize the relational self.
The shift to addressing the "normal" or "cognitive" self is marked by a distinct shift in communicational style and intent. Here the therapist attempts to lay out relational pathways that model and help clients experience the fluid and open processes that characterize the relational self. The therapist's communication is less hypnotic, more straightforward, but clearly focused on building an experiential bridge connecting the felt sense of the neglected self with a resource anchored in a larger more field-based identity and in the present time. Steve describes this shift thus (2002:276): The shift to addressing the normal self should generally be accompanied by a shift in nonverbal communication to a less hypnotic, more straightforward, but still engaging and gentle tone:
It is important to stress again the artistry that guides these shifts in language and presence. This is not a formula or technique that can be followed prescriptively or in an invariant way. The intent is to guide clients to a place where they can learn comfortably to hold both the presence of the neglected self and their own normal cognitive/social self at the same time. Steve has likened this process to systematic desensitization—where the aversive stimuli of the neglected self are progressively pared with the positive experiences, images, and thoughts of the "normal" or "cognitive" self.7 Therapeutic conversations stay in this liminal place as long as it takes to firmly establish the link between the neglected self and the cognitive self. The therapist stays open and responsive to a natural tendency for clients to regress back into the neglected self if they feel unsafe, exposed or shamed in the process. At the same time communication can become more hypnotic and playful if the client loses contact with the neglected self or escapes prematurely into "heady" talk about the neglected self but without a "felt sense" of its presence.
Experiences that typically are associated with such shifts in language and experience are accompanied by the invading presence of alienating ideas, ego states, or contact with negative sponsors. The presence of "aliens" is seen in these shifts when clients lose their contact with their "center" and their ability to stay connected with their relational-selves in the present. We are influenced by many experiences over our lifetimes that either bless and awaken our ability to connect to belly, heart, or spirit, staying present in the stream of our lives, or other experiences that curse, numb, or destroy our very ability to maintain such connections. Abuse and trauma, as well as all the various forms of "benign" and not-so-benign neglect, set up the person to be highly susceptible to the continuation of these alien-ating influences. As we take on the curses they ultimately develop into identity defining ideas and behaviors. Terms, such as, "you're stupid," "you will never succeed," "you are evil," "you don't deserve to be happy or alive" become motifs that increasing shape our experiences and expectations. Each time such feelings or beliefs show up, they become more deeply imprinted in the psyche and crowd out the capacity to see exceptions, alternative "realities," solutions, or more benign possibilities in experience. When alienating influences are present in the relational field, clients withdraw and disconnect from themselves and the healing presence of the therapist in a multitude of different ways. A client may without warning disappear, become "frozen" in self-judgment and criticism, be overwhelmed with fear, or pick a fight to attain "needed" distance. Such "breaks in relatedness" indicate that the alienating ideas and experiences have taken over the person and his or her ability to stay present in the relational field. Again, it is important to stress that the presentation of alienating influences is extremely varied and quite tricky to work with. "Aliens" can be quite clever, and are well versed in undermining healthy self-relational processes. As Gilligan has observed, (1997: 139-140): "The road to recovering the soul is landmined with aliens." He continues:
Working with and disarming aliens requires every conceivable skill in the therapist's reparatory. In self-relations training groups, a great deal of attention is devoted to enhancing therapist's skills in learning the language of aliens so that one can disarm and ultimately defeat the unconscious ways these alienating presences undermine a client's relationship with themselves. Gilligan's own style employs an artful combination of seriousness, mischievousness, and empathy—the balanced skills of the warrior, magician, and lover (Cf., Gilligan, 1997: 151-176).8 In training his students in expanding their ability to balance and blend these communicational and relational skills, it is important to note that he was once again tapping into a deep vein in the Ericksonian legacy. Though Erickson was the consummate "magician," his underlying integrity and heart showed that he knew a great deal about and was extremely skilled at using these other highly important communicational skills as well. Self-relations has made a significant contribution to the Ericksonian legacy in fine-tuning the therapist's ability to recognize the relationship between his or her own self-relational process and that of the client. Noticing what is happening in one's own "center" is critically important in sensing what is going in a client's center. Paying attention to subtle shifts in one's attention or energy is a critically important part in staying in tune with one's client. If a therapist finds himself bored, angry, or frightened, without really knowing why, this is usually a clear indication that he or she has been absorbed in the same alien-possessed field as that of the client. Once again, developing skillful ways to engage these alien presences is not about technique, or rigidly defined formulas. It is the heart of the art of doing the work. The intent is not to "literalize" or give primary focus to the aliens. Rather, it is gradually to help the client learn to differentiate and externalize them from his or her own voice. This becomes the gateway for opening an experiential connection to the client's relational self.
This is not so much a step in a process as the overall thrust of all
the previous steps in the process. The whole purpose of self-relations
work is to bring the client's neglected self in relation to the presence
and resource of the cognitive self. Breaks in relatedness over time
contribute to a situation where a person's core experience is significantly
if not completely severed from a clear sense of their identity. Connecting
the cognitive self and neglected self constitute the core practice of
sponsorship. It allows one slowly but perceptibly to help clients reconnect
to that part of themselves that is experienced as wounded, abandoned,
or neglected. It must be done artfully and with full awareness of the
wide variety in the life situations that produce such brokenness.9
In early articulations of the model, Gilligan used scaling techniques
to identify the intensity levels of the neglected self, the cognitive
self and the vitality of the connection between them. Then the client
was encouraged to go inside and "shift knobs on the intensity controls"
to experience how small shifts in the relative values of the intensity
of connection to the cognitive and neglected self can make a significant
difference in the person's experience of their particular situation
and symptoms. Such scaling techniques are particularly useful in early
stages of the work when the client is first internalizing the idea and
experiencing the phenomenology of these two selves and their relationship.
Palpable shifts can be seen in a person's demeanor and self-presentation
the first time a "telepathic" sense of connection is made.
In later states of clinical work a more fluid and varied experience
in playing with and examining the relationship between the two selves
is possible. Again, the particular experience of building a vital connection
between the cognitive self and the neglected self is part of the art
and aesthetic value of self-relations work. It must be done with great
sensitivity and openness to the many possibilities of being. 3Clients are all too willing to capture their distress in ready-made categories handed them by the media, other therapists, or popular psychology. Diagnostic labels, and the myriad ready-made languages for self description bandied about in popular psychology —i.e., I am an obsessive-compulsive, an ACOA, a psychotic, an incest-survivor, etc.-- are guaranteed to start the process of therapy off on the wrong foot. 4This process of problem description shares many features described by other of Erickson's students and is clearly a part of the Erickson legacy. See, for example, Pat Hudson and Bill O'Hanlon's description of "video descriptions" (Cf., Hudson & O'Hanlon, 1992) and Steve deShazer and his colleagues detailed mapping of the complaint in helping clients create "solutions" (Cf. deShazer, 1985). 5Note that this process when artfully done has a similar function to "externalizing the problem" that has been the hallmark of "narrative" approaches (Cf., White, 1995; White & Epston, 1990). Locating the symptom in a specific embodied "center" allows it to lose its amorphous quality and take on a specific "otherness" that can be related to. There is a paradox here. One "joins" the symptom in such a way that it can be related to objectively. By treating the symptom as an "object" with which one can form a relationship, it allows the subject to stop identifying with it and begin a process where the neglected self can be accepted and loved. Such a relational process allows the symptom to be released from the bondage of over-identification and new identities to emerge, freed from the grasp and history of the symptom complex and stories clients tend to tell themselves about how the symptom has come to take over and define their life. 6Here again, it is essential that one not "literalize" the age or the process of identifying and locating the neglected self. Rather it is an attempt to recognize and give voice to the body's own language and utilize the body's way of knowing somatically (i.e., ideodynamicism) to clearly locate the time and place where the flow of the psyche through the body has been arrested, and its form fixed and frozen in time. 7Personally I prefer the term "cognitive"
self to "normal" self. The latter is too loaded with the hidden
connotations of "normalcy" and "health" so prevalent
in mainstream models of psychotherapy. The term "cognitive"
self is less subject to such hidden connotations and makes room for
the "craziness" and abandon that is possible in a more aesthetically
grounded model of the relational-self. Over time one notices in Gilligan's
own writing a shift in terminology that shows a sensitivity to this
bias. 9It is important to note that we are
not dealing here with some formulaic technique where the ego speaks
down to the "inner child" or parts talk to each other. Rather
the work is done with full sensitivity to the infinite variability in
the presentation of such breaks in relatedness and the importance of
the model as a loose framework for mapping out how one dances with the
symptom and restores "flow" in the processes surrounding identity.
*Robert D. Rossel,
Ph.D. is a Life Coach/hypnotherapist practicing in Los Altos Hills, California. He is a long-time practitioner of self-relations psychotherapy and Ericksonian hypnotherapy. With an abiding interest in music, art, yoga, and other body-mind practices, Dr. Rossel is also a long-time practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism and has sought for many years to find ways to apply meditation and mindfulness in his psychotherapy practice. He may be reached at 10490 Albertsworth Lane, Los Altos Hills, CA 94024. Address
all correspondence to his e-mail address: Rosselrob@aol.com.
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