The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation

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Workshop Announcements Join us to learn how to say "Yes" to life, by tapping into the wisdom and intelligence of your body, heart, and soul. Embodied Wisdom: Utilize the intelligence of your body to change the way you think and feel Seishindo Personal Growth Workshop with Charlie Badenhop and Dorothy Pietracatella Washington, DC, April 15-17, 2005 Embodied Intelligence: The Role Your Body Plays in Learning, Relationships, and Creativity Seishindo Coaching Workshop with Charlie Badenhop Calgary, Canada, April 22, 2005 Self Hypnosis for Self Renewal and Healing with Charlie Badenhop and Dorothy Pietracatella New York City, April 30 - May 1, 2005

1. A Story

Is there now, or has there been, a person or two in your life that you have difficulty in maintaining a civil relationship with at times? It may be your spouse or lover; it may be a friend or a superior at work. We usually say "I have a love-hate relationship with this person." If you have had this experience from time to time, perhaps this story will prove to be meaningful for you.

Fighting fish are found in several different locations in the world. In Lake Titicaca and the surrounding area in Peru, there are two separate varieties of fighting fish, living in two different lakes. The story of how these fish live, create territorial domains, and mate, is fascinating.

In one lake there is a fighting fish where the males show a bright yellow body with dark blue markings. Or at least that is the way the males appear when nothing much is going on. When a mature male fish wants to signal to a female that he is ready to mate, or when he wants to signal to another male, to get the hell out of his territory, his coloring changes. His body becomes blue and his markings become yellow. Clear enough to understand?

Yellow body, with blue markings means everything is pretty mellow. Blue body with yellow markings means either "Let the lovemaking begin!" OR "Get the hell out of my territory!" When two males turn blue, it is fairly common that they fight each other to the death.

OK.

In another lake in the region there is another species of fighting fish. This species interestingly enough has the opposite coloring of the other species. When everything is going fine a male fish's body is blue and their markings are yellow. When it is either courting or fighting, or both, their body switches to yellow, and the markings switch to blue.

If you take a moment can you guess what happens next?

An over-achieving scientist comes along, learns about these two species of fish, and thinks, "My goodness, what could be better than taking a male from each group, putting them in a tank together, and seeing what happens!" So this is exactly what the scientist winds up doing. A peaceful male with a yellow body is slid into the tank, and sees a peaceful male counterpart from the other species, with a blue body. Huh! High alert! Both fish perceive their counterpart as getting ready for attack. So what does each fish do? They change their color to signal they are ready for attack. Then what happens? Both fish all of a sudden believe they see their counterpart signaling gentility. Whew! So they both relax and change their colors back again to signal "Peace."

And what happens when they each relax and change color? Both fish immediately experiences the other as all of a sudden signaling attack again! The internal alarm bells ring and colors once again change in preparation for attack! Which leads once again to a false signaling of gentility.

According to the account that I read, both fish were WAY too confused to mount an attack They just sort of shivered and shook as they stayed pretty much in the same location. Just quivering and changing colors back and forth, and back and forth again. A mad confusing frenzy of activity that took place for about five minutes, at which point both fish all of a sudden went still, and then seemed to peer into each other's eyes for a minute or so... before slowly turning and swimming away.

Does this experiment remind you of you, or anyone you know?

2. Commentary

Fight OR Flight; Attack OR Evade; Right OR Wrong; All OR Nothing; Win OR Lose - all are a form of what I call "The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation." When we believe that a potential outcome has only two possible alternatives we come from a place of scarcity thinking and invariably add a good deal of stress to the system being addressed and limit what is possible.

In every interpersonal conflict both sides wind up wounded, albeit one side perhaps more than the other. Whenever a person feels that you must be wrong in order for me to be right, we invariably denigrate not only the other person's point of view, but their overall character as well. We move away from attacking the issues at hand, and get involved in attacking each other. Arguing between right and wrong is often simply an excuse to prove myself somehow superior to you. "With my superior insight, with my superior intellect and knowledge, with my superior position in the world, I look to show you how your perception of reality is incorrect." When I think of you and your opinions as being somehow inferior to me and my opinions, it is no wonder that you are not willing to agree with the opinions I put forth. In order to agree with my opinions, you would have to be willing to believe that you are somehow inferior to me.

When dealing with other individuals, staying locked into grappling between one of two possible outcomes requires that we both shut down our ability to notice additional alternative realities. When two individuals are locked into a confrontational mode of exchange, both parties to the conflict lose the possibility of acquiring information that might offer generative solutions that either side has yet to think of. We lose the possibility of understanding that in some important way, our limited range of thinking tends to make both of us somehow "wrong." Or, to say it another way, we fail to realize that "We are both, both wrong and right, at the same time." We lose touch with the fact that given new sources of information, both of us might come to a different opinion.

Often, the first step in creating heretofore unthought of solutions requires I acknowledge that my philosophy of fear and confrontation limits my ability to notice how a different way of thinking and a different way of using my body, would lead to a much wider field of possibilities.

For the average person, the more you feel attacked, the more you will look to defend. The more you look to defend, the more you narrow your field of vision, tighten up various muscle groups, and limit the flow of blood and oxygen in your system. And guess what happens at such times. When my adversary notices that I am preparing to defend, he perceives instead that I am preparing to attack him. What does he do in this instance? Why the very same thing that I am doing! He tenses up and prepares for the worst. In this moment of entering into mortal combat we get swept away by the vortex of fear and confrontation that is being generated by the both of us. When we react from this place of "high alert" on a regular basis, we quickly wind up weakening our immune system, and severely limit our ability to defend ourselves from the onslaught of physical and emotional disease. In Aikido this leads us to say that "The best defense is no defense," which is another way of saying "The less defensive you are, the better able you are to defend yourself."

3. Practice

"Opposites Attract"
This Practice can help you to have a fuller, more appreciative perception of yourself. It has proven to be a Practice that helps people to feel more at ease with who they are, and takes away the need to label yourself in a manner that is restrictive in nature.

So often we state things in "black or white" or perhaps after today's story we can say "blue or yellow", when often there are many shades of color in between. One good way to understand ourselves better is to state both sides of a seemingly blue or yellow statement, as we do in this Practice.

4. Links

Mindbodyspirit - A Magazine with 2500 Australasian Personal Development items, an Australasian Internet links Directory of Articles, Courses, Book Summaries, Links directories and Index pages, a Book Shop of over 140,000 items, a Noticeboard and Some Services for Writers and Publishers.

Not only is this a great organization, but these folks have been very supportive of us over time. Please give them a look.

5. Suggested Music

"Step Inside This House" Lyle Lovett
The more I hear this guy, the more I love him! This album is so sweet. Country, soulful, so much heart, and beneath it all, a shining spirit. This boy is living a life, and he really knows something.

6. Our subscribers' section

The Seishindo Team heartily thanks all our readers who sent us their kind words and recommendations.

Dear Charlie,
I am a Peruvian psychologist. I've been receiving Seishindo for about a year. I am very thankful for every issue. But today I really wanted to say "Thanks" because I just read "We-dentity" and I am really surprised by the way you express so simply and clearly what is my own "group experience.". I am part of a team that teaches a course on Leadership at Pontificia Universidad Católica in Lima-Perú. The last course I developed the idea of "the body of the group" developed and we created a simple exercise playing with this idea. The participants create an animal together, breathing, making its noise, moving around like the animal. The case is that my partners and I never thought it would have been so powerful to help the participants to develop a "high performance" mind. And today you gave me a great joy, I felt accompanied, not alone in my own discoveries. That's why I had the impulse to write to you. Thanks again for all you are doing, thanks a lot for your compassion and your companionship.
Sincerely,
Cecilia

Hi Charlie and Inessa:
Really lovely newsletter today, thank you. I plan to quote from it in one of my upcoming newsletters. I so appreciate what you do.
My friend, Chris Noel, is starting a wonderful retreat center in Vermont for writers: http://www.tallrockretreat.org. The retreat honors his father and his Jungian/Magical view of the world and Chris is a delightful person and excellent writer.
And, of course, I'm starting the free Psychic Newsline and still continue with the free Prosperity Meditations.
Best wishes,
Lorrie
http://www.ilovemypsychic.com
lorrie@lorriekazan.com

Hi Charlie and Inessa,
I just would like to let you know how much I appreciate receiving Seishindo newsletters. As an aikidoka myself, I especially appreciate reading about aikido in this edition. Being reminded of the noble art of aikido energizes and refreshes my soul. Thank you again.
Regards,
Anita

Community member Cheryl Rounds is working with an Australian company that produces the world's first line of certified organic skin and body care. (No chemicals or other toxic materials!) You can view her company's products and get more info at:
http://www.shopblissfullyorganic.com

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