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I want to use this issue to once again dwell on the importance
of appreciating our time on earth, and learning from and appreciating
those we are in relationship with.
This issue is dedicated to my wife's grandmother, Koma Matsuda,
who passed away peacefully at 97 years old, on August 2, 2003.
Posted below is a story that has been rewritten from last
year's commemorative issue.
1. Starting Line
Grandma bobbed up from her bow and paused for about two seconds,
as if she was calmly raising her head above water just long
enough to get a fresh supply of air. Then, while still not actually
looking at me, she bobbed back down again repeating the whole
bowing process one more time, as I awaited her signal as to
what to do next. I was fascinated to see how such bowing and
supplication actually empowers the person giving praise, by
determining when and how the receiver of such good wishes responds.
I can recall now how the words she spoke during that ritual,
were perfectly timed with her bowing. "Thank you so much
for all of your kindness." spoken as she bobbed down. "Thank
you for taking such good care of my granddaughter." expressed
as she bobbed up for air. "Thank you so much for being
such a warm and wonderful human being." spoken on her way
back down. "Thank you for taking time out of your busy
schedule to visit me." uttered on her way back up. And
all of this spoken in the first few moments of meeting, when
"in reality" she had no way of knowing if what she
was saying was actually "true." Words spoken as a
seeming statement of fact, but until this day I wonder if such
words when uttered upon first meeting are not actually spoken
as a liturgy of humble request.
After meeting grandma numerous times I decided that unbeknownst
to her, I would engage her in a bowing contest. In Japanese
culture, the person who is most thankful for the good graces
of the other is the person who bows the deepest and the longest.
I was determined to bow deeper and longer than grandma, to signify
that my gratitude for all of her kindness, flowed at least as
deeply as hers.
By this time her and I were knowing each other well enough
to where she didn't always go down to her hands and knees to
bow. Instead, when I entered her house, she would now bow while
standing up. I remember being surprised the first time she bowed
while still standing. I worried that I might have done something
to lessen her deep respect for me. In actuality, the fact that
she remained standing was simply her way of letting me know
she was becoming a bit more relaxed and comfortable in our relationship.
When the next occasion for visiting came along, I seized my
chance. Grandma saw me and bowed deeply as usual, and then just
as she was coming up for air, I bowed quite deeply back to her
while thanking her for all of her many wonderful qualities.
I stayed down in my bow as long as I thought I could without
seeming unnatural, and then just as I was coming up, there she
was going back down again, bowing a bit deeper than the first
time, and thanking me for my many wonderful qualities. Not to
be outdone, I waited patiently and just as she started on her
way up, I went down. Deeper, lower, and slower. I paused interminably
long at the bottom of my bow, and then slowly came up again,
only to see her going back down.
I am not sure how long we did this for. Perhaps for five rounds.
It was as if we were physically and emotionally connected to
some sort of weight and pulley system. Her moving up requiring
me to balance her out with a down, and vice versa. And all the
while, me realizing she was much better at this kind of thing
than I would ever be. She broke my spirit in just one bowing
contest!
I believe two of the main differences between grandma and myself
at such times, was that I was thinking and she wasn't, and that
I was trying, and she was only being.
Even now, a year later, I am intrigued, honored, and inspired,
to have been in relationship with such a sensitive, strong woman.
I am still engaged in trying to understand the power inherent
in supplication and thankfulness.
2. Further Commentary
There are many lovely aspects of the Japanese funeral process.
One ritual in particular really touched me. The Buddhist priest
had just finished his chanting and we were ready to close grandma's
coffin for the last time. The room was filled with beautiful
flower arrangements and about a half dozen workers suddenly
appeared, and with a special tool they quickly clipped off all
the flowers from their stems. Every last bud was shorn. It was
very powerful to see this transformation take place. A sight
of great beauty, quickly transformed into what looked like a
locust attack in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I couldn't help
but wonder if what we witnessed was a metaphor for how ephemeral
all of life is.
Next, the workers brought the flowers to us and we were instructed
to place the flowers all around grandma, starting at her face,
and creating a beautiful blanket for her to wear into her next
life. Each one of us including the children present, lovingly
placed the flowers around her. All of us feeling good to have
this one last chance to comfort her.
I have seen her face in my mind's eye many times since this
ceremony. I have a beautiful composite image of the many lovely
faces she presented to me during the time I was privileged to
know her. Respectful, playful, serious, sad, and towards the
end, weakening and needing a bit of help.
I rest in the knowledge that this moment offers her the chance
to be once again looked after and loved by us. This moment offers
her our best wishes. This moment is her time to rest in the
loving arms of God. This moment is our time to recommit to living
the legacy she has left for us.
3. Practice
This week I would like to invite you to take the time to contemplate
various aspects of your life. You might consider feeling into
some of the following:
"Who am I?"
"What is the meaning of my life?"
"Am I truly giving thanks for all that I have?"
"Am I living a life of faith?"
"Do I have 'enough' yet?"
4. Links
I want to suggest that you make your own links this week. Not
necessarily in the cyber world, but in the world of people and
heartfelt relationships. Link to your friends, link to your
parents. Link to those your work with and those you live with
in community. Let them know that you are making a heartfelt
connection and that you appreciate and love them.
Also, please take some time and think of one or two people
that you do not appreciate. Maybe a certain politician or a
leader of a particular group. Maybe someone close to you. Take
a moment, and from your heart, send them your best wishes. Let
them know you are connecting to them and that you hope that
they will feel the presence of God in their life.
5. Suggested Book by Marleen Adriaensen
The Dance of Anger" by Harriet
Lerner
The book review for this issue is written by my
dear friend and colleague from Belgium, Marleen Adriaensen.
Marleen is also my head sponsor in Europe.
About four years ago a friend of mine recommended this "The
Dance of Anger" to me. As I very much appreciate her
opinion, I bought the book and started reading it. Halfway
through I decided to put it back on the shelf not understanding
why she had recommended it to me, and not seeing my connection
with anger. Surely, I was not an angry woman, and the idea
that she perhaps saw me as one upset me.
Time went by and both my professional and personal life presented
me with feelings of irritation, powerlessness, stuckness,
and eventually…. also anger. At the same time, my Seishindo
work with Charlie connected me with my 'anger' and my unfulfilling
and sometimes even destructive ways of trying to manage my
feelings.
During this time of transition, "The Dance of Anger"
fell off the shelf one day. I started reading it again, and
felt unexpectedly absorbed by what I read. It was a 'homecoming
experience' for me this time and I quickly read the entire
book. I felt very touched as I recognized myself, my behaviors,
my experience, my feelings, and... my anger.
I am very excited and thrilled by the perspectives and possibilities
for change this book offers. Although it was initially meant
as a book for women, I feel compelled to recommend it to all
the women AND men in the Seishindo community.
As Ms. Lerner writes, "Anger is one of the most painful
emotions we experience, and the most difficult to use wisely
and well. Yet our anger is an important signal that always
deserves our attention and respect. The difficulty is that
feeling angry doesn't tell us what is wrong, or what specifically
we can do that will make things better rather than worse.
That's why I wrote The Dance of Anger - to help readers not
only identify the true sources of their anger, but also to
learn how to change the patterns from which anger springs."
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Workshop Announcements
The discipline of Seishindo offers you the best
of both Eastern and Western models of health and well-being.
A remarkable system that merges Oriental philosophy
with Western science.
Join our supportive learning community and awaken
to and acknowledge the profound changes you can foster
in your life by paying closer attention to the way
you use words to describe your personal reality.
Click on this link to find out about the details:
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Power of the Spoken Word
Washington, DC, October 29-30-31, 2004
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6. Copyright
Unless otherwise attributed, all material for the newsletter
"Pure Heart, Simple Mind"(tm) is written and edited by Charlie
Badenhop ©. All rights reserved.
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