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Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths
burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place,
On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean,
I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember something terrible
that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,
I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me
for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering
machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire
in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling of
impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat
me, but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my
sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life
is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who
lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about
fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone,
and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand we are capable
of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
| Workshop Announcements
Join us to learn how to say "Yes" to life,
by tapping into the wisdom and intelligence of your
body, heart, and soul.
Meld
the wisdom of your body with your intellect
Seishindo Somatic Coaching Workshop with Charlie Badenhop
Calgary, Alberta, Canada October 14, 15, 16 2005
***
Embodied
Wisdom:
Use the intelligence of your body to change the way you think and feel
Seishindo Personal
Growth Workshop
with Charlie Badenhop and Dorothy Pietracatella
Washington DC, November 4-5-6, 2005
***
We are returning to Europe!
Balancing
Your Life:
Use
your body language
to transform the way you think and feel
Seishindo Personal Growth Workshop with Charlie Badenhop
Antwerp, Belgium, October 22-23, 2005
More info in French:
Une
vie en équilibre
Apprenez
le langage de votre corps pour transformer votre manière
de penser et de sentir
in Dutch:
Balancing
your life
Gebruik
jouw lichaamstaal om je denken en voelen te veranderen,
te verfijnen, te boetseren
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Read what
our readers wrote to us in response to this issue
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